I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
