I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
