I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
