I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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