She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
My vagina is officially offended.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
