It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Mom said you looked used
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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