Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
