Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Barsexuality is the new black.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
