So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
