I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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