The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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