he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
