so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
