If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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