Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
