Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
