everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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