Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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