I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
