I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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