I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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