i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
