It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
