I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize