So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
