when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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