if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
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