yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
