So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
