Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
