I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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