Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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