I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
