I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
