I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
