don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
