I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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