he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
