His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
