so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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