Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
