i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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