Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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