HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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