This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize