He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
