just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
