I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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