Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
