rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
