I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
