Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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