I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
