Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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