i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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