come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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