I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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