i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
They took my balls.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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