she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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