Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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