She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
