I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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