hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Randomize
