I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
